This Lisa Gaitho debate has spurred some strong feelings. In case you were not aware, the fashion blogger put up a video on her YouTube channel about how to get your man to do what you want. There was a lot of advice from her own experience, I assume, concerning what you should do to please your man, make him happy, and thus, get the things you want. Top tips included, give him an array of drinks to choose from, so that if he doesn’t know what he wants he has a choice, I presume; make sure you praise him consistently; and bathe him. Like a baby. In a tub.
Not that I have anything against washing men – for the fun of it. If we are being honest with ourselves, in an ideal world, women/men would try anything to get women/men committed to them. There’s a reason sengas, witchdoctors and late-night radio hosts stay in business – everyone is trying to get someone to stay with them, dancing on the line of ethics and morality as much as they can. But I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere, personally, between relationships and childcare. You know these poisonous things that people say at bridal showers? “Your husband is your first child.” Well, if you treat someone like a child, do they not begin to manifest childish behaviour? It stands to reason, no?
WHERE’S THE MANUAL FOR LADIES?
I’m not against the fundamentals of this message. I’m all for praising your significant other – I mean, there must be some praiseworthy things you see in them, which is why you got with them in the first place. And if your lover isn’t going to tell you or show you how great you are, then what’s the point of their being there in the first place? A lover should make you feel good about yourself, no? Not that you didn’t feel good about yourself before – it’s just nice to hear it every so often.
And, I’m not totally against serving your partner either. Maybe they’re tired (or lost their way to the kitchen…). Maybe they’ve had a hard week. Maybe they simply asked you to. Again, I am not against the fundamental message of this video, which is what I decided was my take-home – find out what your partner wants and indulge them.
My only question is who is doing the video for what to do to please your woman, and vice versa. It seems that there is a veritable eternal wellspring of information and friendly advice about what to do for men; where is the manual for the ladies? There is always Fascinating Womanhood, then Fascinating Manhood comes years and years later; Power of a Praying Wife becomes a bestseller worldwide way before Power of a Praying Husband; Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is irrelevant to societies outside America and yet is so popular that it is made into a (very black but not that beautiful) movie. What is this obsession with controlling the behaviour of women but not the recipients of this behaviour? Much like contraception. I recently read an interesting statement on Facebook. Women can only produce a child once every nine months, and men can produce a child with literally every sexual contact they have; why is it that women are the ones who bear the burden of contraception when men are the bigger biological danger?
NO RECIPROCAL SERVICE
And why is it that these acts of service never seem reciprocated? Listen, if you want your underwear/boxers washed, that’s all well and good, but I hope you are willing to wash mine too. I’m definitely not washing behind your ears if you’re not returning the favour.
But not everyone is like that, I have learnt – from my friends and from Kenyans on Twitter. We have different languages of love, or whatever you perceive your relationship as; whether transactional, or based on love. Is the reason people are so touched by this video that she is getting what she wants, or that we strongly disagree with what someone else’s relationship is?
Because if it is the former, a simple case of envy is curable. And if it is the latter, then we are no different from the people who insist on doing things like legislating against preferences, like small petty gods on this insignificant earth, finding ourselves dishonourable graves.